September 2003 - Contents The Earth is the Lord's Repton, Foremark and Newton Solney Parish Churches Services Readers and Intercessors at St. Wystan's Altar Flowers at St. Wystan's Brasses at St. Wystan's United Reformed Church Services at the United Reformed Church Harvest Festival Services, 28th September Coffee Morning, Gift Day, Rural Churches Cycle Ride, Sat 13th Sept, 10 am-2 pm Garden Party success! The Schoolroom Roof Shell Card and Coffee Day, Thursday 16th October Baptisms, Marriages, Funerals and Burial of Ashes Baptisms Jessica Hope Farmer Chloë Summer and Harry David Dorsett Chloë Elizabeth and Isabelle Charlotte Sellors Alyssa Sarah Basford Marriages James Robert Kenneth Sanders & Lesley Kate Lumber Linus Padraig Halton & Emily Clara Jane Smith David Matthew Lees & Jenny Francesca Griffiths Funerals and Burial of Ashes Aubrey Wain Dorothy Emily Shorthouse Eric Charles Bird Audrey Alice Robinson St Wystan's Church, Repton Sponsored Bicycle Ride or Walk Talks by returned gap year volunteers 13th Centenary of the conversion of Mercia St Mary's Church, Newton Solney St Mary's Church Harvest Lunch, Sunday September 21st, 1.00 pm Thankyou Garden Party for URC Roof Appeal Musical Events Repton School Music Society Welcomes New Singers Repton School Subscription Concerts Society, September Concerts Repton School Subscription Concert Society 2003-2004 Charities Cards for Good Causes Walking for peace at the National Arboretum Schools Foremarke Hall Open Morning Repton Village and History Repton Rainbows Repton WI Repton Village Society, 'Shardlow', 4th September RVS Visit to London on Tuesday, 30th September RVS Wine Tasting evening, 2nd October Results of Floral Containers & Front Garden Competition Repton Millennium Book Farewell Olives, Hail Tandoori Refuse Collection Newton Solney Village Matters Queen to visit Newton Solney Gardening Notes Lightly Braised Adverbs

The Earth is the Lord's

Believing that God does not exist is as much an act of faith as believing that he does.

There are only two possible ways of understanding the universe of which our planet is such a tiny, and, as far as we yet know, unique part. Perhaps it is some vast and totally meaningless accident, which is here by pure chance and has no purpose or direction. It has just happened and one day it will just unhappen and that is all there is to it. Or it does have meaning, it does have purpose, and that implies that there is a Creator whom we call God.

Looking at the evidence around us, it seems at least as likely that there is a creative mind behind the whole complex process of evolution as that it is all a mere accident. The whole chain of events, from the 'big bang' with which our universe appears to have started, to a world in which simple matter has become organised in such an extraordinary way that we are capable of thinking and communicating with one another, is so improbable that chance seems an unlikely explanation. We can never prove that either understanding is true. Believing that God does not exist is as much an act of faith as believing that he does.

What we believe affects the whole of our attitude to the world around us. If it is all a meaningless accident then what we do and how we behave has no ultimate significance. If we exploit our planet and ultimately destroy it, what does it matter? We might as well grab what we can while we can before our short life comes to an end. But if there is a Creator then we are accountable to him for how we live, what we do and the use we make of the astonishing world he has given us. That, at least, is the Christian understanding, based on the early chapters of the Bible. Those wonderfully perceptive legends tell us that God gives mankind responsibility for the world around him.

September and early October is the season for Harvest Festivals. In them we give thanks for the richness of our world. Because we believe that there is a Creator and that "the earth is the Lord's" we have someone to whom to say 'thank you'. But Harvest Festival is not just a matter of saying thank you. Believing that it is not our world to tear up and throw away, but belongs to God who has created us and everything around us, means more that. Real gratitude involves treating our world with care and respect. If you are really grateful for something you have been given you will look after it.

Services at Foremark, Newton Solney
and St. Wystan's Churches

St. Wystan's

Foremark

Newton Solney

Readers and Intercessors at St. Wystan's

7th September 	1st lesson: James 2:1-17: Pat Court
		2nd lesson: Mark 7:24-37: John Perks				

14th September 	Epistle: James 3:1-12: Laura Finch
		Offertory: Richard & Melanie Finch			

28th September 	Epistle:	James 5:13-20: Wendy Mair
		Offertory: Ted & Biddy Weston.

Altar Flowers

7th September	Joan Cox
14th September	Margaret Quinton
21st September	Angela Mayger	
28th September	Jean Butchart

Brasses

7th & 14th  September	Carol Hickebottom
21st & 28th September	Glenda Brewin

The United Reformed Church

Harvest Festival Services, 28th September

We must not forget to give thanks to God for the harvest; this year's services are at 11am, when the children will take part, and at 6.30pm. Both services will praise God for the harvest, and the church will be decorated. Any gifts gratefully received on Friday evening, 26th September.

Coffee Morning, Gift Day, Rural Churches Cycle Ride
Sat 13th Sept, 10am-2pm

The Schoolroom will be open for cyclists and walkers for four hours. The coffee morning will be from 10.30 to noon, and jacket potato lunches will be served from noon until 1 pm. Gifts in aid of the schoolroom roof will be gratefully received between 10 am and 2 pm.

Garden Party success!

The Garden Party held by Mrs Amy Auckland in aid of the schoolroom roof fund was a tremendous success, raising £508 on one of the hottest afternoons of the year. We are very grateful to Mrs Auckland for her continuing concern for our cause.

The Schoolroom Roof

The schoolroom roof fund has also been swollen by an anonymous donation of £500: many thanks to the donor.

Shell (age 7+)

Shell restarts on Monday 8th September from 6.30 to 7.30pm. New members are welcome.

Card and Coffee Day, Thursday 16th October

A date for your diaries; more details next month.

Baptisms

Jessica Hope, daughter of Craig & Helen Farmer of 6 Cherrington Drive, Abbeymead, Gloucester, was baptised at St Mary's, Newton Solney on Sunday 27th July.

Chloë Summer and Harry David Dorsett, daughter and son of Wayne & Samantha Dorsett of 37 Sorrell Drive, Woodville, were baptised at St Wystan's on Sunday 10th August.

Chloë Elizabeth and Isabelle Charlotte, daughters of John & Michaela Sellors of Hethersett, near Norwich, were baptised at St Wystan's on Sunday 17th August.

Alyssa Sarah, daughter of Ian & Liza Basford of 314 Blackpool Road, Burton-on-Trent were baptised at St Wystan's on Sunday 24th August.

Marriages

James Robert Kenneth Sanders & Lesley Kate Lumber of 19 Pinfold Close, Repton were married at St Wystan's, Repton on Saturday 26th July.

Linus Padraig Halton of 19 Sisters Avenue, London SW11 & Emily Clara Jane Smith of Hollybank Cottage, Broomhills Lane, Repton were married at St Wystan's, Repton on Saturday 23rd August.

David Matthew Lees of Ladybank Road, Mickleover & Jenny Francesca Griffiths of 41 Main Street, Repton were married at St Wystan's, Repton on Monday 25th August.

Funerals and Burial of Ashes

Aubrey Wain of 50 High Street, Repton, who was the village blacksmith until his early retirement in 1984, died at his home on Wednesday 30th July. He was aged 79. His funeral was held at St Mary's, Marston-on-Dove on Thursday August 7th and was followed by burial in the cemetery there.

Dorothy Emily Shorthouse of 54 Melbourne Avenue, Winshill died on Friday 15th August in The Queen's Hospital, Burton-on-Trent at the age of 83. Her funeral was held at St Mary's Church, Newton Solney on Tuesday 26th August and was followed by burial in the churchyard.

The ashes of Eric Charles Bird of 8 Pinfold Close, Repton who died on 27th May 2001, were buried in a family grave in Repton churchyard on Thursday 24th July.

The ashes of Audrey Alice Robinson of 12 Springfield Road, Repton, whose funeral was held at St Wystan's on 10th July were buried in St Wystan's churchyard on Monday 4th August.

Eric Bird

On 24th July the ashes of Eric Charles Bird were buried in St Wystan's churchyard. He died in May 2001 at the age of 84.

Although he was born in Willington Eric's family shortly moved to Mount Pleasant, Repton. He went to Repton village school and afterwards worked briefly at the local Co-op. Then he took the opportunity, arranged by his scoutmaster, Mr Wall, to train for work in electrical engineering. It was in this, and the allied fields of electronics and computing, that he spent all his working life in various parts of the country, but always maintaining his links with Repton.

Soon after his retirement he and his wife Bunty, (neé Loach), together with the cocker spaniels they bred, returned to Repton, living in Pinfold Close. For several years he served as a Repton Parish Councillor and, for a number of seasons, he acted as umpire for the village cricket team.

His ashes were placed in the joint grave of his paternal grandparents, his father and two of his sisters, Viola & Dora.

St Wystan's

Sponsored Bicycle Ride or Walk

This year the annual sponsored 'Bike & Hike' in aid of the Derbyshire Churches and Chapels Preservation Trust is to be held on Saturday 13th September. All the churches in Repton, Foremark and Newton Solney will be open to receive visitors from 10 am: the United Reformed Church until 2 pm and the others until 6 pm. Anyone willing and able to act as a steward, to walk or cycle between churches and chapels open in this area, or to sponsor one or more of these various participants, is invited to contact one of the following for further information: Linda Pettitt (Repton URC, 701223), Richard Finch (Repton St Wystan's, 701245), Betty Thorley (Foremark, St Saviour's, 703294) Jennifer Haynes (Newton Solney, St Mary's, 703827).

13th Centenary of the conversion of Mercia

This year it is 1350 years since the first monks came down from Northumbria to Repton to bring the Christian faith to the kingdom of Mercia in the English midlands. Ros Hudson has sent us this account of the celebrations at the 13th centenary.

On September 12th 1953 a most impressive service of Thanksgiving was held in Repton, the one time capital of Mercia. Invitations were sent to the clergy and two lay people from every parish in the vast diocese of Lichfield which in the middle ages stretched from Yorkshire to Oxfordshire and from Cheshire to Lincolnshire. The pilgrims all assembled under the arch at 3 pm and a procession formed, led by the Vicar of Repton and the parish officers, the Bishop and Archdeacons of Derby Diocese and about 200 choristers, servers and lay readers. Then came the clergy with four ex-curates from Repton, visiting dignitaries, the bishops of Southwell, Shrewsbury and two others. Visitors were invited to join the procession and about 2,000 people joined in.

When the procession reached The Cross the Bishop of Derby read the Gospel and a fanfare was sounded by the Salvation Army band. The return procession went to the east end of the Parish Church: here an altar had been set up outside the crypt, where the shrine of St Wystan had once been. Bishop O'Ferrall (a previous Repton Vicar) read a prayer. The company then moved to the Priory ruins where another altar had been set up and the Thanksgiving Service was held, at which the Bishop of Southwell preached. After the service the pilgrims were shown round the church and the crypt, signed a visitors book and had tea.

It was a marvellous day, with brilliant sunshine, which showed up the vivid colours of the vestments, banners and crosses.

Thankyou

Garden Party for URC roof appeal

My mum, Amy Auckland, and I would like to say a very big thank you to everyone who attended our Garden Party at 14 Springfield Road on Saturday 2nd August. The wonderful total of £508 was raised for the Repton United Reformed Church Roof Appeal. We want to say a special thank you to friends and neighbours of Springfield Road for all their hard work, enabling us to raise the fantastic total. Cynthia Summers

Charities

Cards for Good Causes

The multi-charity Christmas card shop will open again this year in The Brewhouse, Union Street, Burton on Trent from Friday 31st October until Wednesday 17th December. More details next month.

Walking for peace at the National Arboretum

Bitter feuds and conflicts damage people's lives and bring misery to people all over our world. Even here in Great Britain, with a modern and sophisticated army and police force to help limit the effects, we have had our own experience of the conflict in Northern Ireland for over thirty years.

Christian Aid partners around the world are working in conflict or post-conflict situations to try to achieve peace and reconciliation. To help raise funds to support these people who are attempting such difficult and risky tasks a Sponsored Walk for Peace has been organised at The National Arboretum at Alrewas on Saturday 20th September. You can choose any distance from two to ten miles. Registration begins at 10 am and the walk starts at 10.15 am. An entry fee of £3 per person will be charged to cover the costs of the Arboretum which is also a charitable organisation. At 1.15 pm there will be an ecumenical Service for Peace.

Sponsorship forms are available from the Christian Aid office in Lichfield; 01543 417854 or from the National Arboretum; 01283 792333

Repton Village & History

Repton Rainbows

In Repton we are fortunate to have three Girl Guide Sections: Rainbows, Brownies and Guides. If your daughter would like to join First Repton Rainbows, which is the section for 5-7 year-olds, please telephone Tigger (Carol) Rainbow Leader on 703991. The emphasis is on fun and friendship, with traditional guiding games, songs and activities. As demand is high and places are limited, it is advisable to join the list between the 4th and 5th birthdays if possible. For the other sections, please telephone Sheila Holmes, Guides (702616) or Sally Lovatt, Brownies (701960). They will be happy to help.

If you enjoyed Guiding in your youth and would like to know more about helping out on a regular basis or if you hold a current warrant and would like to come back to Guiding, please contact Carol on 703991 or Madeleine Emuss (District Commissioner) on 559264 for further details.

Repton WI

A lovely rose called Warm Welcome growing by the door greeted members as they arrived for the August Garden meeting. After wandering in the sunshine admiring the flowers and vegetables everyone retreated to the shade to drink tea, eat home-made cake and chat. Many thanks to the Owens for their hospitality.

The next meeting is on September 9th, 7.15pm. in the Village Hall when Sylvia Martin will be telling us more about William Morris in a talk called "Not Just Wallpaper". Bookings will be taken for Christmas at Chatsworth and payment must be made at this meeting. Food and drink are on the agenda again on Thursday, September 18th, 7.30pm. in the URC Schoolroom when we meet for a Hot Supper.

Repton Village Society
'Shardlow - James Brindley's 18th Century Inland Port'

This talk will be given in Repton Village Hall on the 4th September starting at 7.30pm. The speaker is Jeff Clinton who is involved with the Shardlow Visitor's Centre so we should have an informative and interesting talk.

RVS Visit to London on Tuesday, 30th September

This outing to visit the Mansion House for a guided tour and tea with the Lady Mayoress, Carole Blackshaw, is now fully subscribed, with a small waiting list. However, there are some spare seats on the coach itself which are bookable at £10 each for anyone who wishes to do some sightseeing for themselves; you will need to sort out your own visits (tel Alan Webster - 701837). The sole dropping-off and picking-up point will be at the Mansion House in the City of London.

Our coach leaves from the Repton Cross at 8.00 am, and it will leave the Mansion House at 4.30 pm. A local map and details of suggested places to visit will be given with the coach ticket. If you would like to book a seat, please contact Alan Webster (701838) or David Guest (703650).

RVS Wine Tasting evening, 2nd October

with Keith Grainger, in Repton Village Hall again starting at 7 30 pm. We have already had two very successful visits by Keith and this time South African Wines will be featured. Tickets are £6.00 for members and £7.50 for visitors. Tickets are available from Alan Webster (as above) or David Guest (703650) - numbers limited to 48.

Results of Floral Containers & Front Garden Competition

This year we have had more entries than before and all who took part are to be congratulated. We did see one or two containers and gardens, as we went round, that could have entered - saving themselves for next year? Overall the effect was to make Repton look nicer for the residents and also for visitors to the village. The judge said that splitting the prize winners was very difficult due the high standard of many of the entries. The results of this years Competition are

	Containers & Baskets	Front Garden		Business
First	A Webster			D Grenham 		G Sellars
Second	D Wilcox			A Chell			Redshaws
Third	R Crockett		J Gibbs			A Heaton

The overall 'Best in Show' Rose Bowl has been won by G Sellars the Newsagents for a superb display in wonderful condition.

The prizes (vouchers for Bretby Nurseries) will be presented at the Repton Village Show Prizegiving on the 6th September and have been sponsored by both the Repton Parish Council and Bretby Nurseries.

Repton Millennium Book

A record of those who attended the Village Hall on 31st December/1st January 2000 is deposited at the Derbyshire Record Office, County Hall, Matlock. Anyone wanting to have access to the book in the future should to contact the Derbyshire Record Office direct.

Farewell Olives, hail Tandoori

As its habitués will know, Olives Restaurant in Repton High Street is no more. Thankfully however, Repton's restaurant scene is as vibrant as ever. The Repton Tandoori, which replaces Olives, is now offering genuine Bangladeshi cooking. Hussein, the affable proprietor, has been cooking since the 1960s and sets a high standard in his newly equipped kitchen, where he rules with appropriate severity. On behalf of readers, your editorial staff recently paid the new establishment a visit and were well pleased with their findings. Judging by the number of other diners, the Repton Tandoori has already acquired a sound local reputation.

Refuse Collection

The Parish Council has arranged for the South Derbyshire District Council Civic Amenity refuse collection service to collect rubbish on Saturday 6th September 2003 between the hours of 7.30 and 11.30 am from the Village Hall car park on Askew Grove. The following list of items are those that cannot be accepted. Metal items, builders rubbish, bathroom fixtures, fridges, freezers, cookers, washing machines, dryers, wardrobes, beds, 3 piece suites, car parts, kitchen units (unless dismantled), asbestos, gas heaters and bottles, paint, any inflammable substances, televisions & fluorescent tubes. These items can be removed on the South Derbyshire District Council bulky service at a quoted cost. For further information please contact South Derbyshire District Council Customer Services on 01283 595758

Newton Solney Village Matters

Queen to visit Newton Solney

On Wednesday 24th September Queen Elizabeth, in the shape of Lesley Smith, of Tutbury Castle, will be giving a talk - in full costume - on the life of that extraordinary woman. Those who were present at her rendition of Mary Queen of Scots in Repton Village Hall for a recent WI Group Meeting will know what a treat is in store for us. Queen Elizabeth will be at Newton Solney Village Hall at 7.30pm on the 24th; entrance £2, light refreshments available. Enquiries to Sue Ellis, 702324.

Gardening Notes

Another season of growth and harvesting is almost over and we can begin to think of the next one. Sweet pea seed should be ordered if you intend sowing them under glass next month. Spring bulbs will need planting and arrangements must be made for bringing indoors any houseplants that have been stood out for the summer and bringing under cover any tender plants in pots, some of which may need repotting.

Sow winter lettuce for overwintering under cloches or in frames. Winter spinach sown now will be ready for use in the spring. Ripened onions should be brought in for storage, if not already done so. Marrows too should be picked and brought in. Keep an eye on the beetroot. Check supports on newly planted trees before the autumn gales and tie in any new, long growths on climbers. Prune any long shoots of roses, buddleia and lavatera to prevent wind rock in winter.

Tidy ponds, removing any blanket weed, thinning out oxygenating plants and cutting back dead marginal plants. If there are nearby trees consider putting a net, preferably on a frame, over the pond to keep the leaves off but allowing access for birds.

September is the best time for sowing new lawns after careful preparation and levelling of the site. The grass seed you choose will depend on whether you want a fine turf of putting green quality or a hard wearing turf tolerant of shade. Choose a warm, damp spell for sowing seed or laying turf and be prepared to water if it does not rain.

Apply grease bands to apple trees to control winter moth. Some brown patches have been appearing on conifers and, in particular, conifer hedges since early summer. These may be due to the cypress aphid which is becoming more common. Spraying with an aphid killer may reduce the spread but is rarely effective in a thick hedge and recovery may be slow. Check greenhouse heaters to ensure that they work efficiently. Cut out old fruited canes of raspberries and tie in new canes. Autumn fruiting raspberries should be ready for picking. Old fruited canes of blackberries should also be cut out and new canes tied in whilst they are still flexible.

Late August or early September is a good time for taking cuttings whilst it is still warm. They should root quickly and be established before winter, although harder cuttings such as roses will take longer and need different treatment. Argyranthemums, salvias, fuchsias, osteospermums, pelargoniums, verbena, penstemon, rock roses and many more can all be taken from semi-ripe cuttings now. Pinks, pelargoniums, silver leaved plants and lavenders all dislike the humid conditions of a propagator or plastic bag and root well without their protection. Putting a layer of sandy grit or fine gravel over the soil and keeping this layer fairly dry often prevents rotting of the cuttings.

There are about 25 species of lavenders. L augustifolia is the hardiest and most reliable. Varieties of this flower from June to July and are fairly short - mostly under two feet. Hidcote may grow to three feet and has dark purple flowers. Munstead is also dark, but shorter. Twickel purple is another good one. Jean Davis and Loddon pink are pink and Nana alba is a compact white variety. L.x intermedia varieties are generally taller and later flowering. Grappenhall is the best known of these. The French lavenders, L storchas, flower from May to September and are less hardy but very decorative with their barrel shaped heads crowned with aerial bracts.

Some reports suggest it has been a bad breeding year for birds but our garden has been full of young blue and great tits and a good sprinkling of young robins. House martins also seem much more numerous than for some years as were swifts until the end of July. They are amongst the earliest of migrants to leave. Butterflies too seem more numerous Swarms of cabbage whites but also a lot of the commoner brown butterflies - meadow browns, small heaths, gatekeepers and speckled woods.

Lily pollen can be difficult to get off clothes. If you find you have brushed against the pollen and have it on your clothes, do not touch it but fetch a small hand held vacuum cleaner and suck it off. So long as you have not rubbed it in, it works like magic.

Lightly Braised Adverbs
Gareth Allen looks at the verbiage of modern menus

How do you choose a decent restaurant? As with so much else in life, the answer is simple. You must pay close attention to what is written on the menu. Learn to ask certain questions of the bill of fare. Firstly does the menu attempt to be jovial? Is there matey wordplay or baby talk? Do desserts purport to be "yummy", "scrummy" or "to-die-for"? Is the fine and noble word "and" reduced to a mere "n" with an apostrophe at either side? If so, you should immediately flee.

Another bad sign is a menu which would have you believe that the establishment is under the benevolent supervision of some "character" proprietor - a moustachioed Italian called Uncle Luigi or a smirking Frenchman in a chef's hat. He is usually spotted soon enough, in folksy cartoon form or in a spurious sepia photo. He is a lie; the true owners are a cartel of icy-souled venture capitalists who make most of their money by the illegal dumping of toxic waste. Probably.

Be highly cautious of anything along the lines of "Our famous spare ribs in Bar-B-Q sauce". Such boasts of great renown are not to be trusted for the plain reason that if something really is famous, it doesn't need to say so. No-one, I think, would refer to the Famous Atlantic Ocean, the Famous Ritz hotel or the Famous John Paul II. As a rule of thumb, tot up the amount of hyperbolic adjectives and adverbs that so lovingly garnish your menu. If there are more than seven, the chances are that someone wants to sell you mutton dressed as lamb. You may wish to award a points system, say five black marks for each gratuitous "sizzling", "drenched", "golden" or "tempting", 10 minus points against anything "oozing", "hearty" or "garden-fresh".

Of course, the top end of the restaurant market has long indulged in such overwrought descriptions - "seared shank of Macroom corn-fed guinea-fowl drizzled with a jus of caramelised Jerusalem artichoke and laid upon a bed of wilted greens" - but that comes with the territory, the prices and, presumably, the high quality of the food.

The difference now is that these florid tendencies have made their way downwards and are found in all kinds of places, especially revamped railway stations and aspirational superpubs. What not so long ago was "jumbo sausage and chips" is now a "mouth-watering Tullamore pork-and-herb 7oz sausage served with a generous side platter of succulent pan-fried potatoes".

Today's "heart-warming farmhouse organic vegetable broth" was yesterday's "veg soup". The identity of these menu writers is unknown, but there is a case for imagining a cabal of failed wine reviewers and ex-copywriters for estate agents, armed with a thesaurus apiece and hard at work trying to outdo each other with weasel words. All that we can know for sure is what we can glean from close study of their work. Great emphasis is given to certain methods of preparation, particularly if it has been fried in a pan. No matter that there are precious few other ways of frying something apart from in a pan, it must be given our full consideration, likewise if it has been "blackened", "engulfed", "glazed" or "smothered".

In your own kitchen, you would probably be dismayed to find you'd blackened your fish or seared your chicken. You might rather keep your mouth shut about it and hope word didn't get round. Not so the menu scribes, who seem to hold that the more roughed-up your grub has been, the better it will be.

They also hold an odd reverence for the provenance of certain comestibles, and if the words "Texan", "Cajun" or "Caribbean" can be inserted then so they will, regardless of any meaning. If a dish comes with chutney and the chutney happens to be the produce of some industrial unit in Westmeath, then it shall be known as "Mullingar" chutney as if this was a byword for undisputed excellence and the good name of the chutney mongers of Mullingar was something of proverbial brilliance.

Thankfully, this doesn't leave as the only option the prosaic world of "coleslaw chip" or "all-day fry", for elsewhere things are done differently.

In Cantonese restaurants which specialise in dim sum, the excellent quality of the food is matched by an eye-opening variety of ingredients, some entirely unknown to us, some familiar enough but not usually eaten. Faced with a daunting translation job, the menu writer opts for an admirably plain, frank prose style. Here we may read of "cold chicken claw with grass jelly dumpling, hard yellow beancurd roll or baby piglet rib and ginger balls" - no matter what you choose, what you get will be exactly what it says on the menu, adverb-free.

The same thing can be found in countries such as Italy and Spain, where even the most exclusive places stick close to the terse definition. The assumption seems to be that if you don't know what is in a dish, then you should ask the waiter, with the added confidence that he will know what he's talking about.

In conclusion then, it seems you should either eat only in Chinese restaurants or emigrate. Well not quite. What I suggest is that perhaps when a culture really loves its food, it doesn't waste time beating around the bush when it tells you what's cooking. All this tarted-up verbiage may be nothing more than a symptom of bad nerves, and maybe, as we all get better at the business of going out to eat, so will our menus stop protesting quite so much.

This article first appeared in the Irish Times in April 2001. Reproduced by kind permission. Gareth Allen is an artist and freelance writer who recently completed his first novel, One Jago Upperdog.